This hasn’t been an easy process as we’ve had some fantastic TV in 2022, many of which have got us through the (questionable) year. If (unlike me) you’ve managed to take some time off during the holiday season, here are some TV shows I’d highly recommend. From brutal landscapes in The English to rapid fire one liners in mokumentary Abbott Elementary these shows have had me on the edge of my seat throughout this past year.

5. The Vow

Sky – Season 1 and 2

The Vow is a HBO docu-series about the self improvement group NXIVM, founded by Keith Raniere in New York. Season 1 opens on a group of ex members gathering evidence against Raniere for human trafficking, sex offences and racketeering. A rare but truthful crime series parades Raniere’s psychological manipulation whilst examining the insidious appeal to join a mysterious human development group.

4. Abbott Elementary 

Apple TV/Disney – Season 1 and 2

A group of teachers take us on a hilarious tour of Abbott Elementary school, in this 13 part mockumentary. We’re presented with a school in decline, lacking resources with an unhinged head teacher which comes with painful laughs and priceless comedy. Pitch perfect delivery from a diverse cast makes the humour all the more relatable. Most importantly the take-away message tells us why they do what they do. ‘I could make more work in the street, easy.’

3. Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared

Channel 4 on demand

Originally made for youtube, this dark parody, of childrens’ television, tackles a variety of topics within each of the 6 episodes. From ‘Jobs’ to ‘death’ Red Guy, Yellow Guy and Duck find themselves in one existential crisis after another as they navigate the ‘impossibility of ever doing something truly new and exciting’. A common thread that runs through every episode. Unsettlingly funny and nightmarish, channel 4 celebrates the arrival of the absurd onto mainstream television with this cheery yet grotesque show and I’m here for it! Maybe just don’t watch it alone at night.

2. The Traitors

BBC Iplayer

22 strangers, one castle, 120k and Claudia Winkleman! The perfect recipe for a compelling thriller of a reality TV game, filled with truth, deception and desperation! With the dramatic irony dropped from the get go we’re in on who the traitors are. Not only does this cleverly add to the suspense we’ve all been seeking in a reality whodunnit type of drama but also ignites a fierce loyalty towards the traitors! Or was that just me? Of course correct me if I’m wrong by bingeing all 12 episodes!  

And drumroll please for first place

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1. The English

BBC Iplayer

A stunning tale of loss, vengeance and a land shaped by violence, this 6 part drama highly original old western speaks for itself. Not to mention the most beautiful cinematography I’ve ever experienced. A surmountable cast gives rise in an American sandstorm, and sees Emily Blunt give the best performance of her career. And no western should be complete without the accurate representation of Native Americans. Hollywood’s reluctance to change, historically portraying them as wild warriors – yet another obstacle for ‘civilised’ white people to overcome, has been all too gradual. But The English foregrounds the Native American experience of colonisation and centres’ often sidelined characters as our hero. Finally! This is what I’ll be watching again over the holidays and absolutely cannot wait.

So there you have it

My top 5 TV shows to binge watch during the holidays and well into 2023. What were your favourites? And do you agree? Have an amazing New Year.

On my way to my first meeting back in March 2020 I was so excited to meet with another set of writers. I had just finished rehearsals for the day for a show called Testmatch and had been working with actors for a while which meant I was on another level energy wise. I was looking forward to being the moody subdued writer who expresses themselves mainly through their words for the evening.

But then came the cancelled meeting email. And since then…we’ve never met! It’s been an incredibly difficult year for everyone. being a part of this group has kept me going where I have written a new play, which I would not have been able to do without the theatre’s support. My desire to continue writing is also often met by other group members who feel just as passionate about theatre as I do.

Every month we’ve met with some incredible writers who have imparted such encouraging words to help keep us feeling that sense of purpose in what we’re doing.

Though none of us have any control over the closures of businesses, theatres and organisations we can change the way we feel and even use what has happened to change the way we work in the future.

All this time at home has made me reflect, not just on the lockdowns’, tier systems and how crazy 2020 was, but I discovered that my upbringing and life in general, had me…well prepped for it too!

Any British South Asian female will know the amount of restrictions experienced growing up. In comparison to many other Muslim families I still had a lot of privileges. My Dad took me to dance classes, I stayed over at friends’ houses, stayed for the weekend on a brownies’ trip and most shockingly studied drama at A-Level and Creative Writing at University! Unheard of for most brown girls like me.

The restrictions I did experience at home growing up, were monumental…at the time. I was so ungrateful that I couldn’t ride my bike on the street for as long as my brother or see my friends as much as everyone else could. So, it meant that I spent a lot of time at home. And it felt like I was the only one in the entire world who was restricted to the amount of fun that everyone else was having. I also learnt what I could ask to do and what I most definitely couldn’t. It made me incredibly grateful for the little time I had with friends. Now that we’re all experiencing this together, you don’t need me to tell you how incredibly humbling this experience has been. Never have we been more grateful for the sun, observant of our surroundings and never have we spent more time just…walking!

It wasn’t just my own community who made me feel like I have something to prove, White privilege had a lot to account for, if not more! Growing up, I faced racism (as did my family) from my peers, teachers and even closest friends, which made me feel invisible. And it’s had an impact on how I interact with both work colleagues and friends.

I’ll cover the details of my experience in another post or YouTube video as it’s a separate topic altogether, but I wanted to highlight here the importance that what I experienced wasn’t nearly as discriminatory as what those from the Black community experienced. Black people, more often than not, experience the most economic inequality as a result of racism and intersectional discrimination.

During those boring weekends or time after school, I turned to my imagination to escape what I was experiencing. I would practice dancing, singing, back flips, handstands and cartwheels at home and most exciting to me, I’d write. I wrote stories that included my friends and I camping, flying to the moon or the most thrilling…shopping! Not only did I write to get a sense of freedom but I wanted to feel like I belonged both at home and amongst my peers and friends at school. So of course, I had to write myself into every story I created as the hero or the popular one! Staying at home became easier.

But upon choosing to enter a very competitive industry just led to more no’s. My career as a writer and actor has meant a truckload of rejections! It’s audition after audition, pitch after pitch and application form after application form. In total, since the beginning of my career, I’m approximately on my 500th rejection! So I’m also used to hearing and eing told ‘no’ regularly. (Comment below if you’d like me to cover this in another post or video.)

Shockingly all these experiences have only made me more determined in this lockdown. And like anyone else, yes, I’ve had down days (weeks) in front of the TV, eating too many crisps (I think most of us are doing that now) and not feeling as productive or getting as much done as I’d have liked. But reflecting on my life (melodramatic I know but I’m a script writer) and how I’ve coped with all the restrictions and rejections in the past has actually prepared me pretty well for the current world. The point is we’ve all got through something terrible in our lives. Some more than others. The key is to recognise that you got through it.

What have you gained strength from, in your life?

The past few months, as we all know, have been particularly challenging. Days are turning into weeks and weeks are turning into months and months are just…a figment of my imagination. Some of us may be navigating ourselves back out into some sort of adjusted reality or new normal but if like me you’re in your own voluntary lock down or in an actual lock down or phase returning, one things for certain, TV is hot stuff right now and one of the only things that is keeping me sane and in touch with what life used to be like.

The past few months, as we all know, have been particularly challenging. Days are turning into weeks and weeks are turning into months and months are just…a figment of my imagination. Some of us may be navigating ourselves back out into some sort of adjusted reality or new normal but if like me you’re in your own voluntary lock down or in an actual lock down or phase returning, one things for certain, TV is hot stuff right now and one of the only things that is keeping me sane and in touch with what life used to be like.

Staying at home for such a long period of time has forced me to face my own subconscious; things that I’m triggered by and my self esteem. The recent social unrest over the George Floyd murder has opened a wave of issues experienced by various minority groups. It’s opened up my own can of worms. But in a way that forced me to look deep at each and every worm that consumed my behaviour, art, thinking…my existence. I was aware of the microaggressions, privilege, white fragility, cultural appropriation, racial prejudice, self hatred but I didn’t have to deal with it like I did in lock down. I had nothing to distract me from the pain. I had brushed it under the carpet and now I’ve been forced to deal with it.

So now that the worms are out for all the world to see and with the mass backing to support, I’m able to continually dissect my own experience. And where better to turn to validate those experiences than TV!

The list below are a comprised list of the best shows that touch on or are about gender discrimination, transphobia, racism and privilege. Things myself and many others have experienced. If you fancy learning a thing or two about the people who don’t look like you then you may want to take a gander. Or if you want to remember what the world used to be like then these shows will definitely jog that memory. And even inspire an understanding to recognise what needs to change in society.

I would also like to mention here that too much stimulation of any kind is unhealthy and it became apparent during lock down that I have an addiction to TV. Even though I have consumed everything in the list that I’m about to impart I would definitely recommend consuming any form of media in moderation. So…without further adieu and in no particular order…

Made in Heaven

From the Director of the fantastic Gully Boy (a must see film too), Zoya Akhtar brings us a highly entertaining show as we follow two wedding planners as they face the many social issues often presented to couples and surrounding families during the wedding. Already can’t wait for the second season. Their realistic and occasional comedic navigation during the 9 episode season comments on a wider society and a culture in flux. Vijay Raaz’s performance is exceptionally good as was his performance in Gully Boy. Season One available on Amazon Prime.

The Morning Show

Available on Apple TV+ The Morning Show takes us on a descending journey as it’s ‘dramatic retelling of Matt Lauer’s #MeToo-fuelled fall from grace on NBC’s Today show’ highlights the misconducts when it comes to sexual harassment in the work place. Through character flashbacks do we uncover the truth of what happened. It’s a stark reminder that, just like the characters doubts, there’s a question mark over the validity of those speaking up about harassment. If Jennifer Anniston’s outstanding powerhouse of a performance isn’t enough then The Morning Show is a must watch for Cory Ellison alone! A character who has no morality and revels in the mic drops he throws so casually to his explosive colleagues.

‘I’m doing it because it’s fun, I’m very very good at it and it’s easier to get laid when you’re employed.’

Pose

Even though I binged Pose before lock down I would watch it again as it’s more timely than ever. Although some of the acting is questionable Pose is big, bolshey, unashamedly queer and a glamarous tale (over two seasons) of drag ball culture. It embraces the historical issues around gender, money, politics, sexuality in the LGBTQ+ community.

It’s a glimpse into this history highlights our current position and how far we’ve yet to go. Pose’s story line also allows the incredibly talented MJ Rodriguez and Billy Porter to show off their vocal range. And not just when it comes to singing in Porters’ case. Pray Tell’s hilarious quick witted one liners alone are worth tuning in for. Season One and Two available on BBC iPlayer.

Noughts and Crosses

A six part drama adapted from Malorie Blackman’s novel series highlights the consequences of love in a dystopian world where the power of privilege shift into the hands of the most oppressed. Hugely successful in its simple premise Noughts and Crosses puts those most privileged into a position of understanding. Intended for a young adult/teen audience the TV series has the potential to shape views and inspire those of us who are also a bit older. Available on BBC iPlayer.

She

An Indian Netflix TV series about a police officer posing as a prostitute (notice how I didn’t put female in front of police officer?). This show is all kinds of thriller. Some have criticised the protagonists authenticity when it comes to their sexually aggressive choices but the plot is a great opportunity to highlight gender issues that are apparent in India. It’s themes aren’t just for a country far away though. The TV Series triumphantly translates similar social concerns we have in the west too.

Vida

Vida is available on a channel called Starz and there are 3 whole seasons to devour. Yep. Lock down was busy! Contains sexually explicit content from the get go. But the shows deep message manages to accurately convey the conflicts of gentrification, cultural appropriation, homophobia and transphobia within the LGBTQ of the Latinx community. And what a tight nit, loving and loyal community it is. I found that this wasn’t just an addictive binge worthy show but it helped me to learn about my own appropriating actions of the Spanish culture. I’ll definitely be more considerate, aware and attempt to change my behaviour when I plan my dream holiday to Mexico. All series available on Starz.

I May Destroy You

There is so much hype around this show currently and rightly so. Michaela Coel has written and directed Arabella; a Writer who’s night of esacpism from an unfinished draft turns into an examination of race, consent, rape and gender.

Go watch to see what all the fuss is about and if you still don’t feel it’s enough you can catch the podcast on BBC Sounds to get your TV thirst quenched. With a predominantly all black cast (down to the shopkeeper) Coel is proof that performing, writing and directing your own work ends in fantastic results. All episodes available on BBC iPlayer.

Snowfall

Believe it or not but Damson Idris who plays business savvy and focussed Franklin….is British! If you’ve already seen this 1980’s piece of art then you may too be shocked, as his ability to flip between accents is outstanding. Having a Brit play the lead makes me incredibly proud (and slightly enviable but I’m still rooting for him). But this powerful drama about the cocaine epidemic in L.A changed a community forever. Under a 1980’s backdrop Snowfall highlights the lack of opportunities for young black people despite their natural business acumen and intelligence. Choosing to save your family with money now or education for an uncertain future when society is against you, doesn’t make the choosing between the two, difficult. Superb.

Mrs America

Cate Blanchett portrays the real life Phyllis Schlafly – a right wing anti feminist. Schlafly led a group of friends to oppose the Equal Rights Amendment, running a campaign that took the U.S by storm. With a 5 state stronghold supporting the group we saw the tactical battle play out between them and the liberal elites run by Gloria Steinham.

Underneath each of these compelling stories and intricate details lies a vital lesson. I’ve switched away from each having understood a bit more about why we are where we are…now! And how humans can make the worst possible choices. They’re laced in truth. And TV, film and plays for me are the best ways to imbed understanding and create change.

But if it wasn’t enough for me I’ve been keeping a close eye on ‘A Suitable Boy’ which has recently started on BBC iplayer. What shows have you enjoyed during lock down, what are your recommendations and are you as glued to the screen as I am?

Having already had a life in the U.S, Testmatch is driven by the metaphors of Cricket to examine misogyny and racism with an unpredictable twist. We’re introduced to the pressures of sport and the stakes at play and how history has a huge part in where we are today.

Take a look at my Youtube video here to see how I prepared for the audition.

During rehearsals we trained everyday and practiced specific techniques to learn how to play and be Cricketers as well as visit Lords Cricket ground!

Unfortunately it has now been postponed ut with a view to continue. Take a look at English Theatre Touring’s website for further updates: https://ett.org.uk/

Because I just watched Scenes with Girls at the Royal Court! And I’m feeling all empowered. And it’s made being back to the daily grind more bearable. I’m not the only one conflicted by the social constructs imposed onto me!

And what better way to spend a Friday night than with a couple of girls who know their stuff!

My first show of the year and it started with a huge bang that goes way beyond Feminism. There are twenty two scenes between Tosh and Lou and they examine relationships between boys, each other and Fran. Tosh has never been in a relationship and Lou can’t stop talking about the amount of liberating sex she’s having whilst Fran is finding the whole thing ‘so funny!’.

Centered around two best friends, Tosh starts with a witty faced paced anecdote about last nights’ ‘sesh’ with ‘Bagel’. A boy she’s definitely not seeing. Filled with private jokes and finishing each others sentences with better phrases these two are close. Reveling in knowing everything about each other the lightening speed conversation soon becomes annoying but they know it, which is what made it all the more delightful. Lou is soon banging her head at the regurgitated narrative of is an attempt to break out of the clichés they’re stuck to….the conditioning of love. But let’s face it romance and love is hard to shake off from our existence, or is it?

The conventional lifestyle of wanting to get married and have a family of your own is a narrative I myself have struggled to identify with. And is a huge question which Scenes with Girls explores so well. Miriam Battye addresses the many messy issues plaguing our minds like whether we want that conventional standard in the 21^st century (like maybe Fran does) or is what we think we want based on what we’ve been told? Are we in the midst of creating a new social fabric? We’re now living in a less conventional narrative. And the more ‘girls’ I speak to the more control they want over paving our own ‘norms’. And I see these social constructs being challenged more and often in the mainstream.

Speaking of Fran; the third wheel in this awkward triangle, her intentions are sincere and kind. She wants in on this tight bond of enlightened, woke as Childish Gambino, empowerment as she questions the look in her boyfriends eyes when she finally does get an invite to the party. All is well the two reassure her. And it’s just that which keeps her at arms length from these two. A boyfriend. Or so they think. Their thoughts of Fran’s partner only highlights their own uncertainty and insecurity of a new ‘norm’ they’re trying to discover when it comes to relationships.  She’s not as cool, as well read or as fast but they say it’s him that’s the problem.

Identifying more with Fran out of three I could relate to her awkward social responses in the midst of sex talk whilst fumbling with her sleeves. But this isn’t a play to shock. It’s just conversations…with girls! And with the second series of Sex Education (also starring Tanya Reynolds) starting on Netflix, at the same time, it racked up to 40 million views. So it seems to be the hot topic of discussion. Something I’m looking forward to seeing more of across the next decade.

Next for my viewing pleasure is ‘Little Women’.

Scenes with Girls runs until 22^nd February 2020 at The Royal Court

I was fortunate enough to be cast in Mephisto (a Rhapsody) at The Gate Theatre. A loose adaptation of the book by Klaus Mann, this version situates itself in Balbek; a small town in France where nothing happens, other than funding cuts, increase in unemployment and the rise of Fascism. Sound familiar? When a group of Actors as part of the Balbek Theatre decide to respond to their political surroundings by creating a new piece of theatre they’re met with policies propelled by the theatre’s Artistic Director. But its Actor Aymeric who’s

Mephisto was written in the 1930’s during Hitlers reign by Klaus Mann who based the book on a true story. After unsuccessfully attempting to convince his brother in law Gustaf Grundgens to go into exile with him, Mann resided in Spain whilst Grundgens performed for Hitler and hit the peak of his career.

The play constantly turned the spotlight back onto art and our roles as performers. I was forced to ask myself how much of the work that I do has any actual impact on the contemporary social issues we regularly face. I’ve known a lot of art, plays and media to have changed my own personal opinion but how much of it can change systems or cause a movement? These questions became all the more prominent when the demonstrations for Extinction Rebellion began to take place during our rehearsals.

This time was a great example of the burden many people face (myself included) when navigating through the world whilst trying to make a change to their environment. I don’t know if art has had any real contribution politically to social issues but I do know the more we go through struggles the more we as humans are inclined to tell stories, develop and evolve as artists and produce more work that has a political response to our surroundings. It may not be able to make change but it can definitely nurture the experience we all go through.

For more information and to listen to our podcast about how theatre acts as a function take a look here:
https://www.gatetheatre.co.uk/whats-on/mephisto-a-rhapsody/

Reviews
The Guardian *****
Whats On Stage
Timeout
The Stage
The Standard
The Times

All photographs by Cameron Slater

Many a conversations with female friends have left me feeling like the outsider when sharing my enthusiasm for gang themed films. Having only appreciated a rom com for my guilty pleasure I’ve often turned to films depicting three dimensional male (often white) leads getting themselves out of very sticky situations. It could be argued these types of films offer viewers their need for artistic vigor when it comes to story, delicately captured intensity and cinematography. More so than any vampire falling in love with a mortal could.

Maybe I leaned towards films, which portray violence because I wanted to be like my older sibling who often went to Karate classes, over indulged in Manga and Gangster films.

With a more nuanced understanding of Film, TV and theatre since immersing myself in the creative industry, I’m always looking for the underlying message. As much as I’m wired to enjoy a well structured story, male violence and aggression should have a purpose. Mere titillation factor and shock value simply aren’t reason enough for driving the story forward.

‘Toxic masculinity’ has become part of our vocabulary in recent years when understanding male aggression, violence and PTSD. The Peaky Blinders set to exploit the economic turn of the country to lift themselves out of poverty. Many of the characters ‘have fought in the first world war and deal with their post-trenches PTSD in one of three ways: fighting, paying for sex or drinking. Many have argued that such writing (like Peaky Blinders) has led some academics to claim ‘it uses psychological trauma as a way to justify the glorification of some elements of British lad culture and even nationalism.’

Peaky Blinders does a great job at depicting the ultimate consequences for violence. Tommy has a psychological breakdowns, loses all his profits, some family members and the love of his life which makes it quite clear that choosing the bad path leads to devastating affects.

With domestic abuse, gang violence and crime at an all time high, is there a potential call to action for TV and Film producers (including the likes of Cillian Murphy – who plays Thomas Shelby) to take more responsibility of what’s happening in society? And if so what would that call to action be? Story lines that depict behaviour as a result of PTSD and socio-economics are surely already doing their bit. But why does that not feel like enough especially with such a popular show? If they can have the potential to change society, then why not?

We all know the likes of shows like Peaky Blinders are not completely real and even real life stories that have been renacted are considerably filtered for viewing purposes by camera angles, shots and the cast. Many actors often find themselves far removed from the characters they play. So what’s the point of a dramatic TV series other than to fulfill our need to be shocked and entertained? Should we be calling for the shows producers to take responsibility when it comes to creating awareness when they themselves don’t agree with the grand actions of their characters?

The opportunity to embody such characters’ is simply a dream to play, myself included. Is it that art imitates life or does life imitate art? Either way I hope the new series brings politically challenging urgency to reflect current contemporary issues. And if it does perhaps artists are changing society, more than they think.

Series 5 starts 25th August at 9pm.

As a first generation British born Pakistani, my experience of the homeland is limited. My Mum’s everyday presence – a woman born and brought up in Pakistan with very different understandings of the world – has certainly contributed significantly but having gone to school here, University, had relationships and friends here means that only a small part of the international tradition frames my outlook. So my Mum and I decided to venture into the heart of multiculturalism – Alum Rock Road in Birmingham – to celebrate our roots and international culture (and to…buy curtains because you won’t get material like that for that price anywhere else! Ok, and to ‘accidentally’ purchase a handful of jewellery too – your purse just falls open at the sight of all the sets).

And I couldn’t help but feel British when I was there. Maybe it was hearing Dizzee Rascal blazing out from inside a car, the desperate need to get a cup of tea or the fact that I was walking on a high street – something I haven’t done in a long time due to their decline in Britain.

So there’s no question, the international presence has reshaped British culture, for me at least. There are still the few I know who live in a (chosen) form of ignorance when it comes to multiculturalism. Learning about a culture that’s of no interest unless it’s to do with food is just too much…effort? Or maybe the rate of change experienced is too fast. Whatever it may be I know that on the other side of the coin there seems to be a constant curiosity about being white! There’s a common desire in most British Asian households to adopt all the positive aspects of a westernised lifestyle; speaking the language, economising, minimalist (non gold) interior design but definitely not the food…or sex before marriage!

But it goes beyond that for some. Asians I know have also voted to leave the EU in the referendum, choosing to keep the place they moved to the same as it was when they first arrived to the country. So what does it mean now to really be international and do those who are…self identify as one? I don’t know the answer but it’s a conversation I’d like to have.

Every year I notice more and more ‘non international’ women use the day as an opportunity to talk about equality, feminism and women’s rights but just from the white perspective. I’ll be the first to raise my hand at wanting to attend a tea party at a fancy British hotel to nibble on scones, which might be part of the problem.

The same experiences of patriarchy do not effect women of colour in the same way – something I learnt much later on in my life. So to truly celebrate shouldn’t we be making that so called effort to remove a chosen ignorance when it comes to multiculturalism. Shouldn’t it be an opportunity to ask important questions, maybe to ourselves to truly begin to understand the international element of the day? Questions like:

• What is the migrant perspective like for a woman?
• What really is their perception of Britain?
• Is being from Europe enough to be considered international or should we be going Trans-Atlantic? And if not then why does Heathrow define flights outside of Europe, as international?
• Why do I want to go watch Fearne Cotton and Pixie Geldof on International Women’s day at Bodyshop?

Where ever a woman may be from, I’m happy to hear her story, but isn’t it the very reason we’ve dedicated a day to International women, because there’s been a recognition in the lack of representation in an ever-growing multicultural country? The lack of international presence at many events in established shops, venues and hotels in London of all places has left me slightly astounded.

In my experience, as a Brit learning about my parents’ and other migrants’ experiences, I’ve learnt that it varies for both men and women. (Truly) international women are more likely to have come from extreme Patriarchal societies, where very traditional roles are adopted and played out in family settings. My own mother and many women in my own family come from oppression. But there is so much more to learn about those cultures than just the negatives we see and…food!

‘Stop complaining’ I can (potentially) hear my Mum saying when asking these (liberatingly privileged) questions. The very things I complain about she celebrates. She sees so many Brits support the cultural work I present, she sees a country welcoming Asylum Seekers to reside in their country and earn a living, she sees me being an artist. (First world problems as we know it).

But in my defence these (first world problem) questions are the root to a much bigger issues that require constant conversation. Of course there are negatives and positives for every culture. But if one is celebrating the day, there needs to be a real celebration of diversity – the clue’s in the title.

But, as most of us probably know, this day (and other holidays like Christmas and New Years – from experience) can be lonesome. Which is why it’s important to fall in love with the most important person of all…

As one of the only Asian females in my Primary and Secondary school I found it difficult to fit in. Although I was into the performing arts, at home it wasn’t the norm for a Pakistani Muslim girl to want to become a performer let alone actually become one. My parents would encourage me to follow academic subjects and constantly remind me how competitive the creative industry is. (Something I still get reminded of regularly when I tell people what I do.) My Dad sat me down when I was about 12 and said:

‘You’re a girl Subika, but not only that; you’re a girl who is Pakistani and not only that; you’re a Pakistani girl who is Muslim! You will have it tough in this world. People will talk down to you. You need to work harder than every single white person out there. So what are you going to do that’s great?’

So of course I decided to study Law at the University of Greenwich! I wanted to make my parents (more so my Dad) proud. One teacher reaffirmed the above again to me during a law lectures. He said that women will have it harder to get ahead in Law and if you’re a woman who is also of colour, then you have a very slim chance of making it in this sector at all! (Something to that affect!)

I hated every minute of studying Law I couldn’t even imagine practising it. I began hating who I was turning in to. Immersing myself into an industry I had no connection with or liked meant that I was miserable. Looking back I was extremely privileged to have this problem but at the time I remember feeling trapped and like there was no way out. It shaped who I became.

As a non traditional British Asian I also felt disconnected from most of the London based peers I was now finding myself surrounded by. I was from a a town, who really hadn’t grasped the multiculturalism thing in their communities. I’d find the conversations exhilirating, exciting and felt a sense of belonging to begin with but when it came to my career choice and the things I wanted to do…I was alone.

Ok so I know I sound very ‘first world problems’ here, so time for a mini disclaimer. I was always fully aware of other young Pakistani girls with very restrictive parents, who were forced to be people they really weren’t. I was very fortunate to have a forward thinking family and still am. I was part of the privileged few who was supported with my decisions even though I was constantly being reminded of what my parents went through when they arrived in this country and that at least I didn’t have to worry about putting food on the table. (Asian peeps – you know what I’m talking!)

So after two years at The University of Greenwich I decided to change my course and place of study. Mainly because of what I was studying but I was slowly distancing myself away from those with a similar background to me. I no longer was feeling a sense of acceptance. I was the odd one out because I wanted a creative career and that’s just not ‘done’ in Asian communities.

I ended up studying Creative Writing in a very white city, surrounded by predominantly white students. And, shamelessly, I felt…comfortable again. My experiences with people from my own background made me hate the culture and…myself. I found myself taking part in very ‘westernised’ activities, not realising that subconsciously, by doing so, I was distancing more and more away from my roots. I myself was quick to point the finger, blaming cultural traditions for all my negative surroundings, because I had that advantage of being from an ethnically diverse background that I thought I had the right to hate myself for being from this background and them!

At the same time however I was relieved to be studying something I was finally good at. But going on the completely other side of the ethnically diverse spectrum left me…yearning for what was normal for me.

After I graduated I began watching shows that celebrated the Asian experience. And I even saw ONE that commented upon the British Asian experience. I wasn’t alone! I saw myself. Finally…I had an identity that I didn’t realise and had been searching for, for years and…it made me fall in love with the most important person of all (you’ve guessed it)…myself.

As obvious that may have been I began celebrating those very things that I thought were holding me back and became so proud to be from where I was. I had the privilege of knowing more than one language, more than one culture and now experiencing more than one University! I began finding as many flaws as possible to fuel my creative fire, create work and approach organisations.

But in order to fall completely in love with ourselves there are a lot of old wounds buried deep inside that are important to resurface because they may still have a hold of the negative beliefs we have about the world but more importantly….about ourselves.

In order to truly heal and forgive my self for the hate of others and myself, I needed a visceral experience so, very recently, I decided to visit my old (first) University. The University I chose abruptly on the brink of making a quick decision about my future. The University that made me really look at my culture from a much more eastern traditional perspective and the University that told me I would struggle and didn’t belong.

Even though the last statement was true – because I never made it as a Lawyer – I became thankful for all of it. Ok so as painful as it really WASN’T to walk around one of the most beautiful locations in London, it was painful to go deep into the past to unlock memories that caused me to doubt who I was, when I walked past my old lecture hall and seminar classrooms. In that process of unlocking pain we can unlock, grieve and most amazingly fall in love with ourselves and begin to really treat ourselves and not feel guilty for putting our own needs first.

So now I can use the very things that were previously holding me back to fuel my artistry, understand people on an individual basis and draw upon those experiences about being in the middle because I have now grieved them and because of that, love them.

I’m grateful to my parents and all the experiences (that were negative at the time) for encouraging me to do something that just wasn’t me because it wouldn’t make me as motivated and as in love with myself as I am now. I’m also grateful that it’s a tough industry because it pushes me to be the greatest artist I can be. So go on…fall in love with you and your flaws so that you can truly give to yourself.